"Shoeicide" Bomber Makes a Stink

The White House issued a red level footwear alert today, after a shoe throwing incident during the Presidents press conference in Iraq.

Bush has appointed 18 year old Airport security guard Buster Brown head of the countries new DC footwear anti terrorism team. Brown will be sworn in as Shoe Czar in the Oval office tomorrow.

President Bush joked about the incident saying “the shoe was a size 10.” However, Dick Cheney soon after enlisted Colon Powell to “toe the line” and release a Pentagon report claiming the shoes were actually sized 9-11. He then called for an international coalition of nations to invade Birkenstockistan. Cheney was later quoted as saying “This time we are gonna Sock it to em!”

Some conspiracy theorists are floating rumors of a “second Shoe-man” and claiming the attack was an inside job, as the video clearly shows no reaction or response from security or the Iraqi Prime Minister.

*Witnesses report having heard the plop of a third shoe hitting the wall behind the president. A commission is being set up, headed by the CEO of Hush Puppies, to scrutinze all 8mm videotapes made of the event.

One official from the Olympic javelin throwing committee scored the shoe bomber as a 5.5, because even though he missed his mark, he scored high on style points. The NCAA is rumored to be lobbying for a special Heisman Trophy for the throwers fancy footwork, calling him “a shoe in” for the next NFL draft. However, the secret service ranked embarrassingly low scores, as they were out on a coffee break, and missed the entire event. Apparently Special Secret Service Agent In Charge- Douglas Chesnick was replaced by a new crop of agents the White House recently outsourced through Wal-Mart.

Bush did his best to calm fears telling reporters he felt no threat, and all members of the White House Press Corps were in agreement on the prowess of the Presidents “Ducking skills.” Loyal Republicans met the Presidents plane with fanfare, playing the blues brothers song “Sole Man” as Bush exited the tarmac. Protesters responded by dressing up as Buster Brown and sporting signs that said “Heck of a job Brownie!” and “Sock and Awe!”

Stock in the shoe market jumped by 54% worldwide as a result.

_______________

*Thanks to Stephen Parrish for adding to the fun.
http://stephenparrish.blogspot.com/

Silly Sunday

Today is my 46th birthday. So I am spending it with the family, just relaxing and having some fun. We were all cracking up over these parodies of the "INSPIRE" posters we found on the net.

I do love laughter, especially the contagious type. So here's a few of our favorites that might just split your sides too:

Great Gift Idea

I have this old bathrobe. Green and purple paisley printed silk on the outside, lined with a rich purple terrycloth on the inside; its comfy classy, and silky soft.

This old dressing gown has been with me through it all. I threw it on when that late night phone call came. I wore it when my dog was sick, when we huddled in the basement during the tornado warnings, and when I had to talk to the police after the neighbor kids’ toilet papered the house across the street. I literally lived in this thing after my surgery, and when the doctor sentenced me to a month of bed rest during my second pregnancy. (Ugh, that was rough!)

This is what I greeted family in at the hospital after both of my children were born. It’s what I wore when I woke up every three hours of the night to feed them. It’s what their little heads pressed up against when they were sick, as I paced the floor singing lullabies. This robe was what I worried in the night my husbands’ plane got caught in bad weather, and he did not arrive home till 4 am. And I am pretty sure this is the outfit I will have on when my daughter sneaks in the door on the night of her senior prom.

Tonight, I am wearing it because I couldn’t sleep, and decided to write. Often my robe is curled around me when I am writing, or reading one of those books’ that is just so damn good that you just HAVE to finish it, even though your eyes are watering up with tears of tiredness. The paisley print on the cuff is what I find myself staring at when I wonder if “tiredness” is really a word.

My robe is sixteen years old. I remember the day I got her. My husband purchased her for me as a Christmas gift two years into our marriage. I opened the Victoria's" Secret box with such surprise. I had not expected a robe. And purple paisley? Well I guess it was pretty, but not what I would have picked for myself. This dressing gown was a stranger to me; Just a thing. It wasn’t one of those gifts that make a big sensation in the frenzied moments around the Christmas tree, but just a simple gift, offered with love.

I wore it off and on at first, just treating it like any other garment. But over time, this old robe has become a part of who I am. This robe has been around. It seems like it has been wrapped around me during almost every major moment of my life, (not to mention it’s what I am always wearing after, um, well, --you know.)

The funny thing is, I look at this robe and have to admire my husbands sense of style and quality. Even after all these years, this old robe is still in top notch shape. He did not buy a cheap robe. He shopped for the best. I may not be the pretty young woman he bought it for those many years ago, but I still feel like the girl he loves when I put it on. After all the baby spit up, all the dog hair, all the spilled coffee, and everything else in my messy old life, it still looks more than nice enough to make me feel beautiful when I wear it, and it’s certainly still good enough to answer the doorbell in at two am.

When my husband bought me this gift, I’m pretty sure he was not thinking sixteen years down the road. He was just looking for something nice to give his wife.

How could he ever imagine that little gift would come to symbolize a lifetime of living?

If there is anyone out there reading this tonight, and looking for that perfect gift, I suggest a nice silk dressing gown, with quality terry cloth lining. It just might be a wonderful way to wrap someone you love in comfort and style their whole life long.

Leggo’s and Coffee

My ten year old son awoke early this morning, and much to my amusement, announced he would like a cup of coffee. Hubby and I shared a secret smile.



“Do you take it black, like me, or with cream and sugar like your mom?”

“Black.”

He then proceeded to go to the kitchen and pour a cup. Dad and I pretended to bury our heads in the paper nonchalantly.

“Would you like to read the comics?” My husband asked, handing the boy a section of the paper.

“I like to do the SODUKU.” He replied.

“I like to read the op-eds, your Dad likes to do the crossword, and now the SODUKU can be your section of the morning paper.”

With that, we three sat in quiet silence, drinking our coffee and reading the news for about 33 and a half seconds.

“I’m going to go play with my leggo’s now.”

“O.K. Honey. I’ll call you when it’s time to get ready for school.”

Breaking News: Harris and Kilroy WIN OHIO Seats!

Breaking political news from the heart of Ohio:

This just in -- Mary Jo Kilroy (D) won her U.S. Congressional race by a margin of 2,311 votes, and Marian Harris (D) won her bid for The Ohio House of Representatives by a nail biting 735 votes!

I am thrilled for both of these outstanding campaigners. Way to go Girls!

Now I have only met Mary Jo on a few occasions, and can not say much beyond what most people already know, especially in regard to the truly nasty nature of what this woman had to endure in her last two campaigns. But I can tell you a little bit about Marian.

When I was approached and asked to run for political office two years ago, the mere idea was a shock to my system. Marian was one of the first candidates I met along the way, so I asked for her advice. Even though I was a total stranger, Marian invited me into her home. She served a delightful blend of Chinese flowering tea, and indulged my constant questioning for an entire afternoon. At the end of the day, she sent me on my way with a stack full of books and reports to read.

“Keep them as long as you like dear, but make sure I get them back. I’ll need them if I decide to run again.” She said as she waved goodbye from her brightly colored front porch. I was a total stranger, and she entrusted me with hundreds of dollars worth of valuable campaign material!

After reading through everything she gave me, I eventually decided to run, and Marian was there for me when I did. She introduced me to the people who helped launch my campaign. She gave me tips on building support, dealing with the press, and fundraising. I called her all the time with questions, and she was always there for me, willing to share her time and insights. During those conversations, I often thought about her grandchildren and how lucky they are to have her. Marian could move in with The Walton’s and feel right at home. She is genuine, real, open and honest. Not the typical politician type at all.

I am so glad Marian won her race. She is far and away one of the most honest and forthright people I have ever had the pleasure to know. Really. One thing I have learned about the world of politics is that most, if not all of the players are snakes. These people will pretend to be your best friend just to see what they can get out of you. They will tell you lie’s with crocodile smiles, hoping you will spread their rumors to knock someone out of the game. Everything is a set up as a double blind maneuver. It’s sickening. They will try so hard to get close to you, to gain your trust, and to set themselves up as your “inside advisors” when all they really plan on doing is cutting your throat when the game is done. It’s a nightmare; like waking up as a character on Paris Hiltons “Who wants to be my BFF” show. The only twist is these people play the game with godliness instead of New York jet Set Cool. The game is to see which snake can act more pious than the Pope in order to fool the press and the public.

But not Marian.

After all I have seen in the past two years, after all the back stabbing bull; Marian’s win restores my faith in the system.

Sometimes the good guys (and gals) really do win after all.

What are you reading now?

What are you reading now, online, in print, and for daily news?

Currently I am enjoying an old copy of The Complete essays of Mark Twain that I found in the back room of a local antique store a few days ago. One essay in the book I found particularly enjoyable is titled That day in Eden. It is narrated lovingly by a wise and sympathetic Satan, telling the story of the moment when Adam and Eve lost their child like innocence by eating the apple.

For online reading, I am hitting The Huffington Post, (mainly to keep abreast on Depak Chopra's current struggle to find harmony with his personal Zen in the face of meany editorial attacks) and I'm hooking into Chris Brogans site, and a site called Alltop . ALLtop is great because you can pick a subject you like, (such as news, writing, animals, art, or blogging) and then quickly scan the first paragraph of what everyone is currently posting on that subject. I found Alltop through my new buddy Chris Brogan, whose web site is just chock full of information on how to better your blog.

Hopefully, this site will improve and become more fun for you readers as I try out a few of Chris's techniques.

Three suggestions he shared that I am using in this post include, asking a question of your readers, embedding links to sites that are useful to your readers, and the use of photos to entertain your readers.

(Whadda ya think Chris, do I pass blogging 101?)

Getting "Back" to it

Oh my aching back...

I was doing fine, just going about my business, cleaning the house and moving the furniture after our big turkey day soiree, when, BANG!

You know how it works-you do all sorts of heavy lifting and then something S-N-A-P-S when you do a tiny little twist while bending over to pick up a feather.

Sigh.

If the writing rambles a bit tonight, -my apologies. It just means the pain killers are kicking in.


The good news is, I am laid up in style. I am blessed with TBDFITL (That's Ohio State Buckeye speak for a really great family.)

I'm sitting up in bed with my heating pad, a big glass of ice water, and my brand new HP G60 125NR Notebook computer that my hubby and kids bought me for an early Christmas/Birthday present.

I adore this computer, and will be happy to provide a review if anyone out there is interested. For that matter I could review quite a few little tech toys as I am a total gadget geek.

I know the idea is a bit off topic for this blog, but with the holidays on the way, it seems like a helpful use of my blogging energy to share the pros and cons of a few possible gift ideas with my friends out there in bloggerville.


What say ye dear readers, would you like this blog to go there?

Or maybe I should just narrow the focus of this space to the topics of writing, publishing, and use of social media. Or I could stick with politics...but I suspect we are all a bit worn out on that topic for a while. (If you're not, then I'm not the only one who needs a chill pill.)


It is time for a topic change. Thats for sure. So you all tell me... What would you like for Christmas from this site?

I would surely appreciate your ideas.

-But before I get "back" to it, I think its best I log off for the night.



Either this computer has the magic ability to split itself into twin screens, or the percoset is kicking in.







Nightie Night Wabbbbiiiiitttttssssssssss.................








Splitting Hares - Limited Edition Cel - 2001
Bugs Bunny GossamerMad Scientist Released 2001
Hand Signed By Chuck Jones
Unframed Price: $1350
Available at:
Alexander Ross fine Art Gallery

Holiday Gift Ideas

I came across this amusing little link over at Shakesville, and thought it would be nice to assist my fellow bloggers with their holiday shopping. So for those of you who missed Black Friday (or managed to survive it), heres a few ideas to get yer shop-hop in gear:

We begin with the
Darth Vader Toaster -a must for all creative cooks of the future, and it runs off the optional light saber battery pack too!

How about an upside down X-Mas tree to make the Yoga enthusiast of the family feel right at home.




There's the Star Trek Bottle Opener sure to beam up smiles from the sci-fi fans in the family, that is, if you can coax them to come up out of the basement.

Or how about some big bear feet. A great gift for the practical joker in the family who wants us all to believe BigFoot lives in the back yard.

(You never know...with a few well placed footprints in the snow, and a video upload to Youtube, you might just have the next big thing with this gift.)

And if all else fails, you could always get the family some gift certificates from Rocco's Tattoo Emporium.

_________

Note to Self:

*-Call Grandmas doctor and have her medication changed

Happy Holydaze to all.

WKRP Turkey Drop

"As God as my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly!"
-Mr. Carlson, WKRP in Cincinatti

Write Right

Image via Wikipedia
Writers update:

It's been a busy week for my keyboard. Clackity-clack.

I submitted one article to Redbook and the Ladies Home Journal, of which I have not yet received a response. It usually takes about six weeks with the top tier rags, so no worries there mate...just anticipation.

I wrote another that was accepted to a magazine called Journeys, and two more for a newspaper called The Liberty Voice.

I am also making good progress on my novel, which feels great, because as writers well know, "The Novel" always seems to take the back burner to everything else in life.

This is the sixth book for me, well I should say the sixth attempt. The first was just something I put together as a supplement for classes I taught.

The second was a privately published collaboration for an organization I belong to.

The third was a disaster! I made the neophyte mistake of trying to put everything into it, including the kitchen sink. (It was going to be The Great American Novel, yanno.) Good Gatsby that thing reads like scattered pages bound up after a library bombing!

The fourth book is a work of historical fiction based on an Ohio family at the turn of the century. I made a DVD documentary to go along with it that is currently available at several libraries and the Ohio Historical Society. The book never got finished, but the documentary did, so I guess that's a partial success. One of these days, I'll get back to it, but not now.

The fifth attempt was a book I co-authored with a wonderful writer about women in politics. We self published to get it out there quickly for this years election, and even had a University Press lined up for wider distribution, but that one is now a dead horse. Pity. It was actually a respectable little piece of prose.

And now, I'm on number six.

This one is fun. I look forward to spending time with my characters and creating the world they live in. I am hopeful this one just might make it out of the nest and fly. It feels different than the others. It has an excitement and a comical edge to it that none of the others did. It also has a very pointed focus, which helps a lot.

I've learned so much about the craft of writing from this process, and all those lessons are showing up in the pages of this new work. -And really, that's the key...Mamma always said "Practice makes perfect!"

With that sentiment in mind, here's a great little story my fellow scribes might enjoy:

An esteemed Harvard professor and published author offered an advanced writing class all the students were clamoring to attend. On the first day, the lecture hall was packed. The instructor walked in, looked around the room and told the students to take out a pad of paper and a pen. Then he said, "So you all want to become writers heh? Well then WRITE!"

And with that, he left the room.

Monkey Balls

I've got monkey balls in my basement. Also known as hedge apples or horse apples, these lumpy fruits of the Osage Orange tree are known by many for their use as a spider repellent.

My tweenkin daughter just moved into the basement, for some much sought after teen privacy and "space" so we went a walking to find her some monkey balls.

A few days later, my husband spotted a spider by the fireplace. As he was about to evict the little sucker, a thought occurred to me, and I stopped him dead in his tracks.

"DO NOT TOUCH THAT SPIDER!" I cried.

"Let's do an experiment. I want to see if those monkey balls really work."

So the family gathered round the hearth, with green ball and flashlight in hand, watching the reaction of our little eight legged intruder, as "Deal or No Deal" blared on in the background, ignored.

Nothing.

Ol' spidy did not mind the monkey ball one bit.

So we cut it in half to see if that would do the trick.

Still no reaction.

"I wonder what kind of spider he is?"

"I don't know, but I'll bet he comes from Washington D.C."

"Why?"

"Because he sure is slow to react."

With that, the family consensus was to head off to bead, and resume our research in the morning.

Of course, our little guest was still there the next day, happily spinning his home a mere six inches away from the horrid hedge apple.

Our conclusion: either monkey ball magic is a myth, or we have a spider with the soul of Martin Luther King, for he has surely overcome.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Archery and What Bows are Made From
• Game Shows Can Sap Your Brains Out

Honoring Veterans day

My Grandmother: A real Rosie the Riveter!



Her dad: Leader of the 42nd Rainbow Division band under General Black Jack Pershing.

Grandmas twin brother: "Uncle Inky" a WWI Doughboy, who went off to war with his father at the tender age of 14.