The lead story in todays Columbus Dispatch newspaper slices the hard breaking news story that Republican presidential candidate John McCain does not know how to purchase pizza.
The article states: "McCain stopped yesterday for a 20-minute photo op and tour of the main fire station, carrying two large pizzas. As he glad-handed his way down a line of 24 firefighters, he told an aide, "I don't think I brought enough pizza for everybody. We'll have to send out for some more."
Clearly this is an issue of great concern for all den mothers and little league dads who routinely purchase pizzas. These parents know full well that two large pies will not even begin to satisfy the feeding frenzy of even a small group of half a dozen pint sized pipsqueaks, let alone 24 full grown macho men.
*The ratio of pies to people is a half a pie per person for thin crust and a quarter pie for thick if the eaters are male and over the age of 12. The ratio can be cut by a third for women, picky eaters, and parties involving ice cream and cake. Every parent knows this.
As a result of this story, voters across the nation are rethinking their position on a McCain presidency. Can a man who has never ordered pizza for his family or football team really lead the free world? What will happen when he invites heads of state to the White House and they run out of food in the middle of tense negotiations? The results could be catastrophic, even if he does remember to hold the anchovies.
In conclusion, I must commend the main stream media for it's in depth coverage on this event, as clearly this is the type of hard hitting analysis the American People look for when casting their votes. The Dispatch led the charge admirably with this piece, keeping the focus on important issues and avoiding any complexities that might bore the average reader or make peoples brains explode while enjoying their morning coffee.
After all, who wants to bother looking at McCain's record as a "maverick" who fought for campaign finance reform, wrote the legislation, got it passed into law, and then does everything in his power to use every legal loophole in the books to bypass the spirit and intent of his own law!
We don't want to know about that. We don't want to hear about the $50,000 donors in Dublin he is hanging out with...who they are, or what they expect in return for their money. NO. We want to see him in a firehouse, with his sleeves rolled up, ready to have pizza and beer with regular hard workin' folks like ourselves who never donate to campaigns.
Why in the world would readers want to think about something so complex and boring as
ETHICS or campaign finance reform when deciding who will be the next leader of the free world?
Not me man. Pass the pizza.