Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Martha advertised an essay contest to help promote her book.
The Theme: What I hated about High School.
Below is her e-mail, and my essay. (Please note that names were changed to protect the guilty.)
Congratulations, Kelley, you are a WINNER! This was absolutely hilarious and beautifully written. (There's a novel in here, I think!) Let me know where to send your free copy and it's onits way. I'm so glad high school is over!
Why I hated High School
By Kelley Bell
In grade school the middle schoolers seemed cool. In middle school the high schoolers seemed cool. In high school, the freshmen who thought they had finally arrived at the pearly gates, quickly found out that they were now the scum of the earth.
Nerdy dweebos and peons.
Immediately after that brutal revelation, my tits appeared, and I was mocked in gym class for not wearing a bra. My clothes were suddenly considered geeky, even though they were cool the year before.
All my friends were dating, and I was the only virgin in the world. I tried to get in good with the cool crowd at the football game, and chit chat with Harrison Turner. He was the hottest guy in my class. Blonde wavy hair, big biceps, and an ultra cool peach fuzz mustache. His tiny little butt looked so hot in his Levi's.
I joined the circle and tried to look cute in my summer dress and brand new flip flops.
Harrison Turner looked me over.
"You have the ugliest toes I have ever seen! Look at her toes. They look deformed 'r somethin."
It was clear that I was not suited for the cool crowd, so I tried sports, and made the girls basketball team. I was mysteriously cut from the team after I caught the coach, Miss Eli, kissing our star player in the locker room.
Theater was next. Here I excelled and fit in well. I developed a crush on the drama teacher, which I wrote about in my diary. The diary mysteriously grew legs, and without my knowledge or consent, found its way to the drama teacher’s desk.
After that, I was doomed to obscurity and ridicule. The worst part was that my drama teacher went out of his way to ignore me.
In high school, there are winners and losers, and one thing even worse: Invisibility.
Harrison Turner is a fat bald drunk with three kids and two failed marriages.
The gym dyke got busted and lost her job.
When I saw the drama teacher years later, I realized that he suffers from a massive inferiority complex.
As for me, well, you'll just have to wait and see.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Marion County Superior Court Judge Cale Bradford http://www6.indygov.org/courts/ handed down a ruling that prohibits Thomas E. Jones Jr. and his ex-wife, Tammie U. Bristol, from exposing their son to "non-mainstream" religious beliefs and rituals.
Mr. Jones and Ms. Bristol practice a matriarchial belief system that worships nature, and regards living things as sacred.
"It is upsetting to our son that he cannot celebrate holidays with us, including Yule, which is winter solstice, and Ostara, which is the spring equinox."
Read The Indianapolis Star's article online at
Do we live in a democracy based on freedom of religion, or are we a veiled theocracy?
(For the definition of Theocracy click here:)
Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein both rejected the notion of an interactive Patriarchial God. Should they have been allowed to do this?
Do Native Americans have the right to worship using the matriarchial model of Mother Earth?
Can we say that a religion is wrong because it is not mainstream?
Was it justified for the Romans to persecute the Christians during the period when it was a non-mainstream faith?
Religious diversity is not restricted to Jews, Muslims and Christians. It must also include the Asian Religions, Afrocentric Religions, Ancient European Religions, Native American beliefs, and yes, even Satanism and Athiesim.
The United States is currently diseased with religious hypocrocy.
Either we decide to act as an open democrocy based on freedom of religion, or we pick one sect, and make it the offical doctrine of the state, throw out the constitution, and become a dictated theocrocy.
That's my opinion. What's yours?
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
She is such an insparation for so many people.
I love her book club, and her talk show format, and her Wildest Dreams Promotion.
When those lucky people see that bus pull up, and have their dreams come true, WOW. How cool is that!
But I wonder...
about all the millions who took pen in hand to write out their dreams...the ones who dared to expose their deepest darkest most impossible hopes to the stranger-friend on the T.V. screen,
Only to find
That they were not good enough,
Actor Tom Cruise appeared on Oprah yesterday. It was insane. The audience was out of control. The crowd acted as if they were at the Beatles concert in Shay Stadium.
What is this fascination with celebrity?
And why do certain celebrities get this type of extreme reaction?
Nobel Prize winners are not treated to this type of adoration, nor are world leaders, with the exception of a few, like the Pope, Princess Diana, and Evita Perone.
I think it comes down to Carl Jung’s hierarchy of human needs.
Love and acceptance.
Celebrities who offer themselves as lovers are adored because all human beings desire love.
The logic, if you can call it that, is simply that if the celebrity notices you, and gives you their attention, then you, by osmosis, receive the approval of the public.
The sad truth behind all this, is that in spite of humanities desire to achieve great things, when it comes right down to it, people are driven by primitive instincts.
The desire for love is tied to the survival of the species, and therefore, human symbols of love are adored above all others.
I wonder what the world would be like if we adored the thinkers of the world more than the lovers.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Everything is cool, la de da day... then
Im having a heat attack and Im gonna die NOW!!!!!
This is it! Its OVER - Death is here NOW.
What happens next?
What is death gonna feel like?
Will it hurt?
I am about to cross through the veil.
Im not done yet!
There is so much more I want to do!
This can't be all there is to life.
Im not DONE YET!!!
Shit, I havent taken a shower,
my hair is a mess.
Am I wearing clean underwear?
Who will find my body?
Please, not my kids, Please
loss of fine motor skills
Primitive Fight or Flight response.
And nobody can do anything to stop it.
I am alone.
Twenty minutes later, it is over.
I am alive.
Wise to the truth,
of the Grim Reapers fingers,
groping at my heart.
Wondering when he will strike again.
The Hotel Monteleon is the gateway to the French Quarter. It is one of only three hotels in the nation designated as a literary landmark.
Ernest Hemingway used The Monteleon in his writing, as did Rebecca Wells, Richard Ford, Eudora Welty, and Tennessee Williams. William Faulkner reffered to it as his favorite hotel, and Truman Capote claims that he was born there.
The Monteleon will be host to Southern Comfort's Tales of the Cocktail, Aug. 18-21.
The event will feature cocktail receptions with authors, a grand New Orleans dining experience and a walking tour of The French Quarter.
If you have the means, I highly recomend it. The Monteleon is the heartbeat of The Big Easy, and the granite muse of writers.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
I love books.
They are my most intimate friends.
I cringe when I see a book that has been dog eared.
It moves me to heal the wound and punsih the criminal.
Some might condem me, for I must admit that I write in the margins.
This is an equal crime to them, but not to me.
It is my way of interacting with the story, and adding my soul to the flavor of the book.
I love to go back and re-read a book that I have "been with" in the past.
I am often amused by stranger I was, in another time and place.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
As writers we all struggle over those oh-so-critical first lines.
Below is the introduction to my latest work.
Brutal critisizms are welcome, providing the cruelty is constructive. :)
A Novel By Kelley Bell
Columbus, Ohio is a city outlined, by two rivers; The Scioto, and the Olentangy, (fondly called "The Old and Grungy" by most.)
It is not a fancy town with tourist attractions or monuments of great importance. It is a simple place, filled with average folk, who represent the cross section of a nation. It is a place where different cultures arrive on the rivers, and opposing ideas merge in the confluence.
The Twin Rivers join as one in the center of town, then travel south to feed The Ohio, and the Mighty Mississippi.
It is fitting that Twin Rivers feed this town, for it is a reflection of the duality of the place and her people.
People who live here laugh at their "Cow Town" moniker, for they know, that under the surface Columbus is a complex place, filled with a unique mixture of Eastern Refinement, Wild West Independence, Northern Sensibility, and Graceful Southern Charm.
It is a place, where every child grows up with a deep understanding of The American Way.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
I know it's weird.
But I have this thing for those tiny extra crunchy french fry pieces from McDonalds.
You know, those extra dark little crumbs at the bottom of the bag.
My kids always sort through their french fries and give me the crumbs as little gifts of love.
And I play it up with lost of ooh's and ahh's and yum, yum, yums.
It's a family tradition.
For mothers day, my creative little tykes came up with a great idea.
They went to McDondalds with a pocket full of change and asked the manager to double fry a whole bag, special order for their mommy.
They presented their gift with pride, and watched with excitment as mommy ooh'd and ahh'd over every crispy bite.
It only cost a dollar, but it was worth a million bucks to me.
I bet I'm the only Mom in the world who got that gift for mothers day!
Yum Yum Yum!
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Standing in the rainbow is a wonderful book by Fannie Flagg, auther of Fried Green Tomatoes at the whistle stop cafe.
It is a sweet little yarn that captures the charm of small town life. A well wriiten book, with nothing controversial at all.
Its curl up in a blanket, feel good reading.
check this out:
Alabama Bill Targets 'Gay' Books MONTGOMERY, Ala., April 26, 2005
Republican Alabama lawmaker Gerald Allen says homosexuality is an unacceptable lifestyle. As CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassmann reports, under his bill, public school libraries could no longer buy new copies of plays or books by gay authors, or about gay characters."I don't look at it as censorship," says State Representative Gerald Allen. "I look at it as protecting the hearts and souls and minds of our children."Books by any gay author would have to go: Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote and Gore Vidal. Alice Walker's novel "The Color Purple" has lesbian characters.Allen originally wanted to ban even some Shakespeare. After criticism, he narrowed his bill to exempt the classics, although he still can't define what a classic is. Also exempted now Alabama's public and college libraries.
So if he gets his way, the following authors would be banned(partial list):
Hans Christian Anderson
Sir Francis Bacon
The Compact Discs of the following composers would have to be destroyed:
Tchaikovsky (no more Nutcracker Suite at Christmas)
Leonard Bernstein (no more "West Side Story", etc.)
How many movies will they destroy that contain gay actors...Why don't they just burn down the whole library?
So waddya say folks...shall we smite this trend of religious politics now, or let them destroy everything beautiful in the world before we fight back?
This is a facinating book. Quite different, well written and thought provoking.
The Forward of the book is as interesting as the novel itself. The mother of the novelist goes on a crusade to get the lone work of her dead son published.
The publisher writes "There was no getting out of it; only one hope remained-that I could read a few pages and that they would be bad enough for me, in good conscience, to read no farther...In this case I read on. And on. First with the sinking feeling that it was not bad enough to quit, then with a prickle of interest, then with a growing excitment, and finally an incredulity: surely it was not possible that it was so good."
This book belongs in league with the classics. A must read.
Read this book. Trust me on this...Its worth it.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
She got it via e-mail, and we dont know who wrote it, but if you do, please let me know so we can both credit the author...
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
George: I mean the fellow's name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
The human animal is driven by Primal Instincts. These instincts push us to eat, to sleep, to find a mate, and to reproduce.
If you think that you are above that level, chew on this:
When women are in the fertile/receptive period of their monthly cycle, their lips swell slightly and redden. This is a signal to men.
When Barbara Walters interviewed Monica Lewinsky on national television the number one question viewers asked was "what lip gloss was Monica wearing?"
Ha! And I thought I just wore make up to look prettier.