I just recieved an e-mail from Martha O'Connor, author of the exciting new novel The Bitch Posse.
Martha advertised an essay contest to help promote her book.
The Theme: What I hated about High School.
Below is her e-mail, and my essay. (Please note that names were changed to protect the guilty.)
Congratulations, Kelley, you are a WINNER! This was absolutely hilarious and beautifully written. (There's a novel in here, I think!) Let me know where to send your free copy and it's onits way. I'm so glad high school is over!
Why I hated High School
By Kelley Bell
In grade school the middle schoolers seemed cool. In middle school the high schoolers seemed cool. In high school, the freshmen who thought they had finally arrived at the pearly gates, quickly found out that they were now the scum of the earth.
Nerdy dweebos and peons.
Immediately after that brutal revelation, my tits appeared, and I was mocked in gym class for not wearing a bra. My clothes were suddenly considered geeky, even though they were cool the year before.
All my friends were dating, and I was the only virgin in the world. I tried to get in good with the cool crowd at the football game, and chit chat with Harrison Turner. He was the hottest guy in my class. Blonde wavy hair, big biceps, and an ultra cool peach fuzz mustache. His tiny little butt looked so hot in his Levi's.
I joined the circle and tried to look cute in my summer dress and brand new flip flops.
Harrison Turner looked me over.
"You have the ugliest toes I have ever seen! Look at her toes. They look deformed 'r somethin."
It was clear that I was not suited for the cool crowd, so I tried sports, and made the girls basketball team. I was mysteriously cut from the team after I caught the coach, Miss Eli, kissing our star player in the locker room.
Theater was next. Here I excelled and fit in well. I developed a crush on the drama teacher, which I wrote about in my diary. The diary mysteriously grew legs, and without my knowledge or consent, found its way to the drama teacher’s desk.
After that, I was doomed to obscurity and ridicule. The worst part was that my drama teacher went out of his way to ignore me.
In high school, there are winners and losers, and one thing even worse: Invisibility.
Harrison Turner is a fat bald drunk with three kids and two failed marriages.
The gym dyke got busted and lost her job.
When I saw the drama teacher years later, I realized that he suffers from a massive inferiority complex.
As for me, well, you'll just have to wait and see.