Copied from a link courtesy of Bitch PhD
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
* The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.
* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
* HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart, as do oil companies.
* Global warming is junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
* The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.