Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Everybody Sing: HOT, HOT, HOT...

Whew-eee, A WHOLE lotta weather we've been havin lately! Yessiree-Jim-bob-cattails, A WHOLE LOTTA WEATHER!

To beat the heat, I took the munchkins boating yesterday. We have a cool little jet boat called a Sea Rayder. It's really just a big jet ski, shaped like a boat. It's big enough for five people, while small enough to fit in my garage. It can do everything a jet ski can do: Spin a three-sixty, jump wakes, run right up to the beach, and skim across shallow water.

She has two names:
The Barbie Malibu Speedboat
The Pocket yacht.

Yesterday was rather amusing.

As those of you boaters know, the adventure of water sports is filled with amateurs. Folks who buy a boat and some beer, then head out fer some rip roarin fun. There is no such thing as a boating license in Ohio, and from what I have seen over the past twenty years, attendance in boater education courses remains abysmally low.

The place where this truth is most visible, is the marina.
At Alum Creek resivor, we have a four lane dock. This means FOUR boats: (4) boats, IIII boats... Can launch at a time.

Unfortunately, this should be, orderly procession, is ususally a clusterf*ck of idiots, who graduated from the zig-zag school of trailer towing. Then, there are also those poor souls who suffer from boater bulimia, and believe their trailer is SOOO WIDE, that they must use two lanes, and take their half out of the middle.

For the most part, the boating community is pretty tolerant of these fools, and those of us who have been around for awhile, are quick to lend a helping hand at the docks. (Finding help on the water when you raise a distress flag, is quite a different experience, however, as the beer boaters don't know what a distress flag is, and will blast right past you and wave, while watching you sink.)

Anyway, the point to this choppy narrative, is that I am always amused when guys see me launching with my crew of little kids. They assume right off the bat, that I am inexperienced, and in need of their help. While I appreciate their kind hearted attempts at chivalry, I am also offended by the assumed incompetence, because of my gender.

It has given me great pleasure, on hundreds of occasions, to back that baby into the lake, with precision accuracy, while my little swabbys jump to their posts, and launch our little pink Pocket yacht with enviable expertise.

The comments and expressions over the years have been priceless.

But, no one is perfect, no matter how hard we may try...and much to my chagrin, yesterday, I made a classic beer boater blunder.

I forgot to put the plugs back in the boat after our last trip.
What are plugs, you ask? Why plugs are the little corks in the back of the hull, that keep the boat from...

Oh, yes, my blogger friends. It was everything you might imagine; Mom and her two little tykes, toolin out on the lake, in the trajectory of a line graph, identical to President Bush's approval ratings.

It was not a pretty sight.

At first, I thought something was wrong with the engine, as I could not get enough power to make the bow plane out, so I checked the hold, and saw the water rising fast.

"Great Green Goddess, we're SINKING!"
"Kids, get the weight to the front!"
Bilge Pump:ON
Then, I did one of my famous 180 degree spins, full power, with her nose straight up in the air, like Camilla Parker Bowles, and flew for the beach, right thru the no wake zone, at top speed.

I felt like Quint, in the movie JAWS, when he pushes the Orca's engines past their breaking point, as the water is pouring in. HA!
HOOPER: "Quint! Quint! Shut it Down! She can't take anymore!"
QUINT: "Shadd-UP!" arghhh, matey. As he presses his shoulder into the already maxed out throttle.

We sped right past several shocked on lookers, ran her aground, and did a quick underwater repair job.

After that, we had a lovely day of boating, tubing, and swimming, complete with a slightly soggy picnic lunch.

What a way to beat the heat!


CrackerLilo said...

Hehehe!!! That's hilarious! Glad y'all aren't beer boaters, and you could take care of things.

fineartist said...

I love you Kelley Bell, you are such a riot and so independent and wonderful.

You boatin' momma you!

Trée said...

Kel, I think anyone who has ever owned a boat has forgotten the plugs at one time or another. I say, welcome to the club. :-D

Kelley Bell said...

Hi Crackerlilo,


Yea, but Tree and I both know, that we all get beer boater-itis every now and then.

Suds and surf just go together sooo well!

Kelley Bell said...

I Love you too, O' Fine and Artistic One.

You are the kind of friend I would like to pick up on the beach and ski with.


Kelley Bell said...

Hey Tree!


Yes, You've got me. This is not the first time I have forgotton the plugs. (It is the first time I left them in the car instead of the boat though.)

Confidential P.S.

I had a great weekend. Thank YOU very much. (wink)

Non-confidential P.P.S. to everyone else reading this:

Get yer minds out of the gutter. That did not mean what you think it meant!

The Fat Lady Sings said...

Now - I'm a sail girl. Never much liked them motory boats. Too damn much noise. Gimme some taut, white sheets, an 8-10 knot breeze and Bob's yer Uncle! But sailing vessels come equipped with their own oopsy daisies. They're called 'centerboards'. On smaller rigs - the centerboard's the only thing keeping that puppy upright. Which brings me around on how to make a boat go turtle in one easy lesson. Forget to drop the damn centerboard - that's how! Happened to me in Tokyo Bay. Boy – was I feeling sheepish! Out I go all jaunty and don’t I know shit from shinola and flip! That’s what a girl gets for trying to impress a guy with her superior knowledge. So you see – at some point – we all sink the boat!

Kelley Bell said...

I am totally crackin up!

Now there's a boat rockin Feminist theory!!!!