Sunday, September 17, 2006

Tarnished Gold

"Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver and the other's Gold."


You plunge a daggar in my heart.
Then sulk away in shadow
Leaving me to bleed.

You call to appologise.
You want to erase the slate
To move forward
To put the past behind

But my heart is not a slate
and the wounds
Have not healed

Now you are angry
Because I bleed

Now you blame me
For wincing
For Blocking
For lack of trust

Now you belittle me
For placing boundries
And drawing lines.

I love you like a sister
I understand your pain.

I know the bottle calls to you
From every screaming, quivering cell
In your body.

And I DO love you for who you are

But I will not be stabbed again.

Can you,
Can you, Understand?

11 comments:

Writer Mom said...

I can understand.

Good luck with the healing. And *hug*

The Fat Lady Sings said...

Hey sweet girl - sounds to me like you've been having my week. I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I will say, from personal experience, there isn’t anything you can do. She has to want to stop on her own. It may be best for you to walk away now – before irreparable damage is done. That way – should she ever decide to get sober and want to renew the friendship - there will be a friendship left to renew. Contacting you and apologizing will be part of her 12 step program. But she has to come to it on her own. She will not stop out of love for you or anybody. If you keep trying to help – she will try and pin all of her problems on you – blame you. It’s how drunks justify their actions. I should know – I grew up in a house full of alkies and drug addicts. I am so sorry, honey. Really. But you should walk away now – no matter how hard it is. Walking away may actually help her. She needs to hit bottom before she’ll see the necessity of crawling out. I wish you luck.

Kelley Bell said...

Thanks girls. (sniff-sniff)

It's good to have you here on this cold and rainy day.

Kath in the Country said...

The FL Sings unfortunaly is probably right.

I had a friend who joked about me being her big toe. It was funny and flattering because I was very close to family. (semi-daily basis)

When I was going through a huge life changing phase, she became angry and frustrated with me because I wasn't available to help her with a crisis in her life. She screamed at me "You have to come, YOU ARE MY BIG TOE", and at that moment I realized something.

I needed all ten of my toes to stand up with what I was going through, and she was co-dependant on me because of my constant presence with her and her family. Her big toe had withered up because it wasn't being used anymore.

It was painfully difficult to cut the cord...she was very hurt and lashed out frequently.

I shrank away, trying to understand my guilt, trying to rationalize that it was for the best of both of us to move on.

And I really really missed her children.

She ended up divorcing, and moving.

I ended up with the man I married.

She remarried, moved back, and we are friends again. It will never be the same, but it shouldn't.

We are better people now. She doesn't drink and gamble as much.

I am happily married with a small family of my own.

She needed me out of the way so she could hit rock bottom...and try to move on....

I was her enabler, and I thought I was helping. Youth...Love

You can't jeapordize your well being for even those you love.

Or there will be nothing left of either of you.

Be Brave, Be Strong, And Let It Go..for a long while.

It might work for you too..?

Kath in the Country said...

Excellent poem..by the way...

It obviously took me back to my own experience by looking at the length of my post...I mean comment.

beckyboop said...

Your poem reminds me of my family reunions. (My attempt at joking about tragedy.)

Your poem hit me in the heart. Addiction has hit my family hard. I even had a go with it many years ago.

An enabler, you're not. Place your boundaries and draw your lines. It will be for the best.

Becky boopster

Rain said...

It's funny I am feeling something like this too and posting these type of feelings. It is so hard to draw our boundaries and stand firm, so hard.

CrackerLilo said...

I understand too well. *hug*

fineartist said...

We are the poster children for re-hab and co-dependence, or women who love too much, me and Boop.

And what would a family gathering be like if nobody got drunk or pilled up or shot up and played with the turkey carcass? I mean really? I can’t imagine it.

Hell at our family gatherings we are just happy if there is food there at all, and COOKED food, now that’s a real treat.

But there’s ALWAYS beer, and other stuff floating around outside.

Draw your lines hon, stand firm, be strong, don’t let a junkie/alkie try to make you feel guilty because THEY have a problem. It’s not your problem.

And some people you HAVE to love from a distance.

Self persevere.

Hugs you, Lori

Xavier said...

So many times we must use Tough Love on ourselves. It's so hard when we literally have to pull away from certain people for the sake of saving ourselves from emotional hell. I hope you're doing okay.

KEEP THE FAITH!

Kelley Bell said...

Quote of the day, from a friend in the same boat:

"Everything blows like a giant volcano, just when you let your guard down and think everybody is properly medicated."

Goddess in Green, that cracked me up.