Saturday, January 07, 2006

Hummer Crazy

What's the deal with Hummers? They are the most grotesque exacerbation of the American Big Car Dream of over indulgence ever created. Having a hummer is supposed to make you look cool.

Cool? Are you kidding me? It's not a Ferrari Folks. It's a Military vehicle.

The only reason we think they are cool is because celebrities drive them, and they cost One Hundred Thousand Dollars!

But Why do Celebrities drive them? Its not because the sheik red carpet anorexic liposuctioned exercise freaks of nature in Hollywood walked onto a military base and said "Ohh, look at that urban assault vehicle, how fashionable!"

No, its because our government, in its infinite wisdom, wrote a subsidy for the Poor American Farmer who couldn't afford a new John Deere tractor. These "learned" Senators with their law degrees and legal-eze came up with some complicated technical language, (just like the unintelligible garbage written in our Tax codes,) that basically said, farmers get a kick back when they buy any vehicle over 1000 lbs.

Along comes the Hefty hummer, and all the brilliant celebrity accountants in Hollywood told their clients to go buy one, or a dozen, because they too could get this kick back.

Oh, sure, they know it was intended for farmers, but hey, anyone can get the 15,000 kick back if:

1) They can find a vehicle that weighs over 1000 lbs.
2) They use it for business purposes.

You know, Celebrity business purposes: because they NEED a 1000 lb Army Assault Vehicle to intimidate the paparazzi when they drive to the Oscars!

So, thanks to our wise leaders desire to save the American Farmer, and the rich celebrities desire to hold on to their hard earned cash, the country is in a Hummer craze, and we are sucking up more gasoline than any other country in the world while our government is at the same time telling us that we need to cut back on oil, find clean burning sustainable fuels, and protect the environment!

Is it any wonder that we are in a war with the Middle East, you know, the country that HAS all the oil!

But we don't care about the environment. We just want everything BIGGER!

This country wants everything Bigger. Biggie Fries, Biggie Shakes, Biggie Cars, Basically our waistbands are expanding faster than everything but our egos. Thats why George Bush got elected President. The boy is a Texan, and Hey, EVERYTHING'S bigger in Texas!

It amazes me that our senators have let this trend go on as long as they have. You know, trends don't get started overnight. These things take time. Do you think that our wise and wonderful wordsmiths in Washington could have put an end to this environmental gang bang by inserting the words "this exemption applies to vehicles used for commercial farming only."

No! They are still up on the hill, ordering studies, creating commissions, and holding debates to try and figure out just how to close this unforeseen loophole.

Everyones worried about the quality of education that our children are getting. Im worried about the quality of education our leader don't have!

Ya gotta hand it to our Government. They are making sure that every self employed small business owner in America can go out and buy one of these biggie oversized gluttonous vanity symbols of The Fat Bellied Greedy American Dream: Emulating the hollow Heros of tinsel town as they simultaneously destroy the planet we live on.

In the words of a good ol Texas Cowboy...YEE-HAW!

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